I am so tired and so busy I should really not be writing this at all. Somehow I have allowed myself to become ill during this most stressful of weeks making it all the more stressful. Tomorrow is where the rubber meets the road, I have an important exam (as if there is such a thing as an unimportant exam), as well as 2 quizzes and to top it all off I will be on edge all day waiting to hear the results of my dear friends biopsy.
I hate the idea of finding out the news the thought of a time frame for how long he will live. I know that for him heaven is good, however, I love him so and he is so much like family to me I don't want to let him go.
It will all be over, but unlike most the idea of it being over gives me little relief. If it is over but I failed well then I still failed. I need to let it all go and give it to the one in control, I'm so dreadfully bad at holding on to the stressors in my life, but I would much rather give this to Jesus.
And so my Love...here it is all of the baggage and terror that I hold in my tinny hands I haven't the strength to keep it on my own...
Love,
Rose
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
stand
Today has been a day that I did not exactly enjoy which is why it is so puzzling that I do not wish to go to bed and end it. Non the less I sit here at the wee hours of the mourning with an early class looming in my future and too much on my mind to let it rest.
Yesterday afternoon, my dad gave me the news that a dear friend of mine has cancer, and that it is severe. Every word I get from home is a bad one as far as he is concerned. Today the weight has just been so terribly heavy. I spoke with my Mother on the phone and she could not begin to hide how badly she was doing physically.
I imagine an appropriate description of my emotional state would be the sweater that has been snagged on something and a single thread is continuously being pulled, eventually but gradually the sweater completely unravels...I just pray no one is around when that happens.
A verse my Dad likes to quote cam to my mind through out this day of frustrations,
Ephesians 6:3
"Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."
Yesterday afternoon, my dad gave me the news that a dear friend of mine has cancer, and that it is severe. Every word I get from home is a bad one as far as he is concerned. Today the weight has just been so terribly heavy. I spoke with my Mother on the phone and she could not begin to hide how badly she was doing physically.
I imagine an appropriate description of my emotional state would be the sweater that has been snagged on something and a single thread is continuously being pulled, eventually but gradually the sweater completely unravels...I just pray no one is around when that happens.
A verse my Dad likes to quote cam to my mind through out this day of frustrations,
Ephesians 6:3
"Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."
Saturday, January 9, 2010
the one with little faith...
I feel rather sheepish to be writing so much about all the things I have never quit gotten a hold of in the Bible. It seems to me now that it is painfully obvious! I have read the Gospels more times than I can remember, but in my recent readings in Matthew I am continually finding that I have missed so many things.
Growing up I used to wonder about the disciples. I thought 'how could they have missed it?' But then I would think that often times Jesus spoke in stories that always had me confused and it was likely the same for the disciples. But Jesus didn't only use stores. He repeatedly told the disciples that he was going to die and rise again.
haha I find that so hilarious! He said it as plane as day. And yet none of them expected him to be resurrected. Thomas refused to believe it until he had proof. I am temped to think poorly of those disciples and their 'little faith.' But then I wonder, just how many things has Jesus told me and I, for whatever reason, missed it. Not because he neglected to make himself clear, but because I neglected to make myself faithful.
I am the one with little faith. Imagine all the good night's of sleep I might have had if I just held on to my faith instead of my fear.
Growing up I used to wonder about the disciples. I thought 'how could they have missed it?' But then I would think that often times Jesus spoke in stories that always had me confused and it was likely the same for the disciples. But Jesus didn't only use stores. He repeatedly told the disciples that he was going to die and rise again.
haha I find that so hilarious! He said it as plane as day. And yet none of them expected him to be resurrected. Thomas refused to believe it until he had proof. I am temped to think poorly of those disciples and their 'little faith.' But then I wonder, just how many things has Jesus told me and I, for whatever reason, missed it. Not because he neglected to make himself clear, but because I neglected to make myself faithful.
I am the one with little faith. Imagine all the good night's of sleep I might have had if I just held on to my faith instead of my fear.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Wonderful Savior
It is well known among my friends and family that I am rather sight impaired. Friends have confessed to purposefully leading me into various objects as a child and there is always a clever joke whenever I should say that I didn't see something. Even with the knowledge of my poor optical senses I was surprised to see something I most definitely missed.
In Matthew 20 there is a parable about a Lord who hires men to work in his vineyards. the parable shows that the lord hired many men at various times of the day and then paid them the same even though they worked, some less than others. Somehow the meaning of the parable had always eluded me. I suppose I never thought much about it. I'm sure that Ive heard it preached and I've read it countless times. but somehow the power of that parable came to life to me today.
Jesus is waiting to reward everyone equally no matter when they come to him. How good he is! perhaps I missed it because I am not good, and there is no one who is. So often I try to make the heavenly things of Jesus to be equal or parallel to those of this world.
Perhaps the verse that truly brings this passage out in my mind is 15
"is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?"
I am so glad the my God is good. He is not like any human even one who seems noble. He will never fail me, though I fail Him daily. He loves me with His life and His might!
'all the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves. I have recklessly built all my dreams in the sand, just to watch them all wash away...through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile to one who sees past all I see! And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'll understand, your the only one who's faithful to me...'
In Matthew 20 there is a parable about a Lord who hires men to work in his vineyards. the parable shows that the lord hired many men at various times of the day and then paid them the same even though they worked, some less than others. Somehow the meaning of the parable had always eluded me. I suppose I never thought much about it. I'm sure that Ive heard it preached and I've read it countless times. but somehow the power of that parable came to life to me today.
Jesus is waiting to reward everyone equally no matter when they come to him. How good he is! perhaps I missed it because I am not good, and there is no one who is. So often I try to make the heavenly things of Jesus to be equal or parallel to those of this world.
Perhaps the verse that truly brings this passage out in my mind is 15
"is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?"
I am so glad the my God is good. He is not like any human even one who seems noble. He will never fail me, though I fail Him daily. He loves me with His life and His might!
'all the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves. I have recklessly built all my dreams in the sand, just to watch them all wash away...through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile to one who sees past all I see! And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'll understand, your the only one who's faithful to me...'
Thursday, December 31, 2009
life time resolution
2009 has been a year I will never forget...well unless I have some kind of accident that renders me without a memory...or I get old and forget everything except my childhood pets...oh and if those things do happen I think someone needs to come to me and remind me of what happened this year...k..
One thing I've noticed, mostly lately, is that I'm increasingly cynical and almost bitter...not the usual sweet kris and I don't want that to be the case for 2010. I want my life to be centered completely on Christ.
I never make resolutions because, well I never have. But I do always look back at the past year and evaluate how I need to improve, and taking more time to be close to God is top on the list, followed by doing my laundry on a more regular basis :)
So this is my prayer and my heart's desire not only for 2010 but for the rest of my days.
Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
2. Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
3. Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
4. Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
5. High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.
One thing I've noticed, mostly lately, is that I'm increasingly cynical and almost bitter...not the usual sweet kris and I don't want that to be the case for 2010. I want my life to be centered completely on Christ.
I never make resolutions because, well I never have. But I do always look back at the past year and evaluate how I need to improve, and taking more time to be close to God is top on the list, followed by doing my laundry on a more regular basis :)
So this is my prayer and my heart's desire not only for 2010 but for the rest of my days.
Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
2. Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
3. Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
4. Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
5. High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.
Monday, December 21, 2009
dancing rose
side to side
twists and turns
a single rose in the midst of her thorns
dancing to a beat no one else can here
perhaps its the sound of her falling tears
ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum
she flutters and moves
though she hasn't any shoes
she dances like a princess robbed of her graces
such a beautiful rose and no body know why she dances, dances, dances
to the beat in her head
ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum
Stop they implore her to cease her tragic dance
but on she goes in a constant prance
time continues and she never stops to dance the sad dance
though her petals are falling
she's slowly dying
but on and on she goes
to the beat that no one knows
ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum
what makes this rose so desperate to dance?
she must be in love..it must be romance
but who would let her dance till she falls on the ground
limp and pale and broken
the drummer he is blind
so never will he see
his faithful loving servant
who dances to his beat
twists and turns
a single rose in the midst of her thorns
dancing to a beat no one else can here
perhaps its the sound of her falling tears
ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum
she flutters and moves
though she hasn't any shoes
she dances like a princess robbed of her graces
such a beautiful rose and no body know why she dances, dances, dances
to the beat in her head
ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum
Stop they implore her to cease her tragic dance
but on she goes in a constant prance
time continues and she never stops to dance the sad dance
though her petals are falling
she's slowly dying
but on and on she goes
to the beat that no one knows
ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum
what makes this rose so desperate to dance?
she must be in love..it must be romance
but who would let her dance till she falls on the ground
limp and pale and broken
the drummer he is blind
so never will he see
his faithful loving servant
who dances to his beat
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Lot's to be thankful for...
I had a huge answer to prayer this week. I have needed to talk somethings out with someone for a while now, and yesterday I had the opportunity. As much as our conversation didn't change anything, it changed everything. Some how I feel so much peace in my heart. While there are still a lot of things that I need to figure out, I know that Jesus is working things our on my behalf. A verse that really touched me was is Psalms 9:4
"For thou hast maintained my right and my cause; thou satest in the throne judging right."
I just needed to be reminded that Jesus Christ is on my side. I don't know how I seem to forget that all the time, but I do. Perhaps it has something to do with the typical view of God, that suggest a highly displeasing God who is always looking for ways to disapprove with our lives. But that is simply not true. God wants to be a part of our lives. He wants to find the good things that we always try to suppress. I am infinitely the Martha! trying to please God but messing up completely in the process. The reason is because I don't truly understand what God wants. Its not my goodness, its me. my goodness is just filth to him. I don't understand it at all, I doubt I ever will, but Jesus loves me. He loves me and nothing I can do will change that. So I guess I learned something, when I finally went to God in honestly told Him that I was a mess, He came to my rescue, and gave me a blessing I wasn't expecting.
"For thou hast maintained my right and my cause; thou satest in the throne judging right."
I just needed to be reminded that Jesus Christ is on my side. I don't know how I seem to forget that all the time, but I do. Perhaps it has something to do with the typical view of God, that suggest a highly displeasing God who is always looking for ways to disapprove with our lives. But that is simply not true. God wants to be a part of our lives. He wants to find the good things that we always try to suppress. I am infinitely the Martha! trying to please God but messing up completely in the process. The reason is because I don't truly understand what God wants. Its not my goodness, its me. my goodness is just filth to him. I don't understand it at all, I doubt I ever will, but Jesus loves me. He loves me and nothing I can do will change that. So I guess I learned something, when I finally went to God in honestly told Him that I was a mess, He came to my rescue, and gave me a blessing I wasn't expecting.
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