life time resolution

2009 has been a year I will never forget...well unless I have some kind of accident that renders me without a memory...or I get old and forget everything except my childhood pets...oh and if those things do happen I think someone needs to come to me and remind me of what happened this year...k..

One thing I've noticed, mostly lately, is that I'm increasingly cynical and almost bitter...not the usual sweet kris and I don't want that to be the case for 2010. I want my life to be centered completely on Christ.

I never make resolutions because, well I never have. But I do always look back at the past year and evaluate how I need to improve, and taking more time to be close to God is top on the list, followed by doing my laundry on a more regular basis :)

So this is my prayer and my heart's desire not only for 2010 but for the rest of my days.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
2. Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

3. Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

4. Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

5. High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

dancing rose

side to side
twists and turns
a single rose in the midst of her thorns
dancing to a beat no one else can here
perhaps its the sound of her falling tears

ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum

she flutters and moves
though she hasn't any shoes
she dances like a princess robbed of her graces
such a beautiful rose and no body know why she dances, dances, dances
to the beat in her head

ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum

Stop they implore her to cease her tragic dance
but on she goes in a constant prance
time continues and she never stops to dance the sad dance
though her petals are falling
she's slowly dying
but on and on she goes
to the beat that no one knows

ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum

what makes this rose so desperate to dance?
she must be in love..it must be romance
but who would let her dance till she falls on the ground
limp and pale and broken
the drummer he is blind
so never will he see
his faithful loving servant
who dances to his beat

Lot's to be thankful for...

I had a huge answer to prayer this week. I have needed to talk somethings out with someone for a while now, and yesterday I had the opportunity. As much as our conversation didn't change anything, it changed everything. Some how I feel so much peace in my heart. While there are still a lot of things that I need to figure out, I know that Jesus is working things our on my behalf. A verse that really touched me was is Psalms 9:4
"For thou hast maintained my right and my cause; thou satest in the throne judging right."

I just needed to be reminded that Jesus Christ is on my side. I don't know how I seem to forget that all the time, but I do. Perhaps it has something to do with the typical view of God, that suggest a highly displeasing God who is always looking for ways to disapprove with our lives. But that is simply not true. God wants to be a part of our lives. He wants to find the good things that we always try to suppress. I am infinitely the Martha! trying to please God but messing up completely in the process. The reason is because I don't truly understand what God wants. Its not my goodness, its me. my goodness is just filth to him. I don't understand it at all, I doubt I ever will, but Jesus loves me. He loves me and nothing I can do will change that. So I guess I learned something, when I finally went to God in honestly told Him that I was a mess, He came to my rescue, and gave me a blessing I wasn't expecting.

Nostalgia

Yesterday I went with my family to pick out a Christmas tree, something we have never done before. Because of all our moving and sometimes even finances, we have either had fake trees or trees that dad finds on the side of the road. lol The house is all decorated, it looks so beautiful. While we were driving home after the tree purchase, and finding all that we needed for Thanksgiving, I was reflecting on past holiday memories. Surprisingly my favorite Thanks Giving memory is of our first holiday season i Russia. I remember that I was apprehensive about it at the time, because it wouldn't be the same. That was absolutely true! We didn't have turkey, we had duck and fish. We didn't have pie, we had Russian deserts. We didn't have stuffing, we had mayo based salads. We didn't have aunt's and uncles over, we had the people from our house church over. I had such a wonderful thanksgiving that year. I wouldn't trade what we had that year for all of the things we didn't have.
I keep thinking about some people who will be spending the holidays over seas this year. I am praying that they will have some of the best holiday experiences of their lives this year. So for anyone facing a holiday season in a place that is new to them or different, my prayers go out for you! God is going to give you a special gift this year, a blessing that you will have to hold on to for many years to come!
God bless

can't sleep...

Sleep is being highly evasive of late! I can't seem to grab hold of it! But it's really all just as well, this way I have a chance to think. I think that I am rather pathetic! I mope around maybe not always on the surface, but just beneath there is definitely moping. I think the honest truth is that I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be successful and get into med school. I don't know why but suddenly I am very unsure of what I can or cannot do. I say that I can do anything through Christ, but I don't think I have the faith to back that one up. I know its true, but I don't act like it's true. I need to increase my faith.
Then I was reading my philosophy text and the writer quotes a Buddhist who claims Christians have no peace. That really bothers me because I don't have the peace that I should. I know it is God's will for my life but I don't have it the way I should. I used to think peace was boring but it isn't. The Bible describes peace as a river. Rivers are anything but boring or even calm. Peace isn't meant to be a soft creak, its a river that goes through lots of places over rocks and whatnot. But even though there is a great deal of rough, its still peace. That's why it stands out. Peace wouldn't stand out on a beautiful sunshiny day, peace shows up in the storms. When someone should be losing it, but they are staying strong, trusting entirely on Christ, that is when peace shows itself. I want that kind of peace, peace that isn't just around when I'm ok, but peace that makes me ok when I shouldn't be.
Maybe this blog makes no sense. After all its almost 4 am! But I had to write down the random stuff spinning through my head.

The rain is coming down today in a fury of splashes. The rain makes me want to crawl back under my covers and sleep until I can't sleep anymore. However, that is not likely to happen so I must find an other way to spend my day.
One thing that I dread doing today is calling my school. Every time I call they tell me something different, and it always seems I end up owing them more money. I've surrendered the situation to my Savior, which is all that I can do. I have to trust that His will, will be done regardless of how it may seem to me at the moment.
I imagine always what I am going to do, but it would be more prudent if I concentrated on what I am doing now. Fear of tomorrows battle might cause me to lose today's. Still I cannot help but wonder what the future holds for me. On a day 5 years from now with the rain pounding down, where will I be? how will I be?
I heard about a boy in church the other day that made me think about my future. He is only 5 years old and he is dying. The doctors say he won't make it to Christmas. I couldn't hold my tears. The thought occurred to me that there are lots of little boys and girls who won't make it to Christmas and none of them has a family to love them, or a church to send them Christmas cards a month early. I have always had a desire to adopt kids some day. But just recently I have started to consider the idea of adopting the children who don't have long to live. Those children should experience the love of a family, even if it's only for a short time. As terrible as losing a child is, there has to be some comfort in the fact that you were able to give that child a family.
My future isn't in my hands. God only knows. I'll wait for His perfect plan. While my heart aches for those babies now, while I burn to run to the mission field I'll wait for His timing. Today I have enough to occupy my time and energy with...

The Ergun Caner challenge...

In my philosophy class I was challenged by my prof to write down the testimony, how I came to put my faith in Jesus Christ. His challenge was not just to write my testimony, but to write it without using any church terms. That is to say write down how I came to believe in Jesus Christ and not assume that the reader knows what I am talking about. I thought that such a task was worthy of posting! And I encourage any Christian who may read this to take the challenge.

When I was a little girl about 3 years of age, my parents used to let me listen to these cassette tapes that were sort of like radio dramas. I knew them as Patch the Pirate. Patch and his crew went on all kinds of adventures and learned all sorts of things, I remember all of the stories even though it has been many years since I have heard them. On one of their many adventures, Patch has an encounter with a little orphan boy while traveling on the Mississippi river. The boy had told a lie and was caught in the lie. Patch takes him aside and explains to him that lying was a sin. A sin being anything that goes against God's law. As a breaker of God's law there is a punishment and that is death. Not physical death but a spiritual death that can best be described as eternal separation from God and eternal suffering in a place called hell. As I listened to this sentence, I recalled a particular act of disobedience that I cannot remember now, but I know that at the time it was on my mind. Perhaps it had been a lie. At any rate I began to think of the fate that was waiting for me as a person who had committed a crime against God. Then Patch explained that there was an alternative to hell, heaven. But there was only one possible way to enter heaven and that is through Jesus Christ. Patch explained that Jesus was the son of God who was incarnate on earth. Jesus lived a perfect life and never sinned, and for no reason he was killed in a terrible and violent manner on a cross. Patch said that Jesus had died to pay the punishment for my sin. Not only did Jesus die but He rose from the dead three days later. Now he had power over hell and I could put my faith in him and be saved from an eternity in hell. So right then and there, I got down on my knobby knees and asked Jesus to forgive me for breaking God's law and I put my trust in Him and only Him to pay my punishment and save me from spiritual death.
It's been 16 years since that day and I can still see it clearly in my mind. Jesus rescued me from sin on that day and I'll never be without Him every again!

For reference:

Romans 6:23, Romans 3:26, John 3:16, Rom 10:9