can't sleep...

Sleep is being highly evasive of late! I can't seem to grab hold of it! But it's really all just as well, this way I have a chance to think. I think that I am rather pathetic! I mope around maybe not always on the surface, but just beneath there is definitely moping. I think the honest truth is that I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be successful and get into med school. I don't know why but suddenly I am very unsure of what I can or cannot do. I say that I can do anything through Christ, but I don't think I have the faith to back that one up. I know its true, but I don't act like it's true. I need to increase my faith.
Then I was reading my philosophy text and the writer quotes a Buddhist who claims Christians have no peace. That really bothers me because I don't have the peace that I should. I know it is God's will for my life but I don't have it the way I should. I used to think peace was boring but it isn't. The Bible describes peace as a river. Rivers are anything but boring or even calm. Peace isn't meant to be a soft creak, its a river that goes through lots of places over rocks and whatnot. But even though there is a great deal of rough, its still peace. That's why it stands out. Peace wouldn't stand out on a beautiful sunshiny day, peace shows up in the storms. When someone should be losing it, but they are staying strong, trusting entirely on Christ, that is when peace shows itself. I want that kind of peace, peace that isn't just around when I'm ok, but peace that makes me ok when I shouldn't be.
Maybe this blog makes no sense. After all its almost 4 am! But I had to write down the random stuff spinning through my head.