heart twinges...

There is that feeling of excitement that comes when one is about to accomplish a long time goal. That great joy, like graduation. You get ready for the day look forward to that moment when you toss that dreadful hat in the air! With all the excitement propelling you forward there is hardly a moment to think until the moment comes, and suddenly like a train a hundred doubts, fears and sadness hit you. You see your parents tear filled eyes, you look at your bestest buddies with the realization that after this moment, it all changes. Suddenly you have a paradox of emotions, on the one hand you made it! on the other, you have to leave what is familiar to you. Perhaps that is only me that had that experience I hate to be presumptuous lol
But here I am after having faced all of that once, left for college did that whole song and dance, now I'm back at that moment again. I look at my finally obtaining that foot back into the door of school and I'm so excited to get back there...but I had that moment today as I watched my mother hobble around in that terrible pain I know I can't really imagine. the real clincher was when she called me into her room to help her undress because she hurt too bad to do it herself.
My thoughts are of course, how can I leave my family when I see how much they need me? I know it is what is best and there is always going to be something...but it doesn't change the feeling that I'm leaving them when they really need me. Of course they will get by, I have younger sisters who I'm sure will step up when I'm not there. I suppose it is just the nature of growing up, following my own personal calls, it will only get harder the older I get I think. After all I'm just waiting for the chance to head to some far off land...I think I'm seeing the heartache it will be in the future to say goodbye and not be there to keep an eye on everyone.
I have to put them in the all mighty hands of God, why that would be hard I don't know. After all He can do infinitely better than I can of taking care of them !
Lord increase my faith!