the one with little faith...

I feel rather sheepish to be writing so much about all the things I have never quit gotten a hold of in the Bible. It seems to me now that it is painfully obvious! I have read the Gospels more times than I can remember, but in my recent readings in Matthew I am continually finding that I have missed so many things.

Growing up I used to wonder about the disciples. I thought 'how could they have missed it?' But then I would think that often times Jesus spoke in stories that always had me confused and it was likely the same for the disciples. But Jesus didn't only use stores. He repeatedly told the disciples that he was going to die and rise again.

haha I find that so hilarious! He said it as plane as day. And yet none of them expected him to be resurrected. Thomas refused to believe it until he had proof. I am temped to think poorly of those disciples and their 'little faith.' But then I wonder, just how many things has Jesus told me and I, for whatever reason, missed it. Not because he neglected to make himself clear, but because I neglected to make myself faithful.

I am the one with little faith. Imagine all the good night's of sleep I might have had if I just held on to my faith instead of my fear.

Wonderful Savior

It is well known among my friends and family that I am rather sight impaired. Friends have confessed to purposefully leading me into various objects as a child and there is always a clever joke whenever I should say that I didn't see something. Even with the knowledge of my poor optical senses I was surprised to see something I most definitely missed.

In Matthew 20 there is a parable about a Lord who hires men to work in his vineyards. the parable shows that the lord hired many men at various times of the day and then paid them the same even though they worked, some less than others. Somehow the meaning of the parable had always eluded me. I suppose I never thought much about it. I'm sure that Ive heard it preached and I've read it countless times. but somehow the power of that parable came to life to me today.

Jesus is waiting to reward everyone equally no matter when they come to him. How good he is! perhaps I missed it because I am not good, and there is no one who is. So often I try to make the heavenly things of Jesus to be equal or parallel to those of this world.

Perhaps the verse that truly brings this passage out in my mind is 15

"is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil, because I am good?"

I am so glad the my God is good. He is not like any human even one who seems noble. He will never fail me, though I fail Him daily. He loves me with His life and His might!

'all the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves. I have recklessly built all my dreams in the sand, just to watch them all wash away...through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile to one who sees past all I see! And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you'll understand, your the only one who's faithful to me...'

life time resolution

2009 has been a year I will never forget...well unless I have some kind of accident that renders me without a memory...or I get old and forget everything except my childhood pets...oh and if those things do happen I think someone needs to come to me and remind me of what happened this year...k..

One thing I've noticed, mostly lately, is that I'm increasingly cynical and almost bitter...not the usual sweet kris and I don't want that to be the case for 2010. I want my life to be centered completely on Christ.

I never make resolutions because, well I never have. But I do always look back at the past year and evaluate how I need to improve, and taking more time to be close to God is top on the list, followed by doing my laundry on a more regular basis :)

So this is my prayer and my heart's desire not only for 2010 but for the rest of my days.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
2. Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

3. Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

4. Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

5. High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

dancing rose

side to side
twists and turns
a single rose in the midst of her thorns
dancing to a beat no one else can here
perhaps its the sound of her falling tears

ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum

she flutters and moves
though she hasn't any shoes
she dances like a princess robbed of her graces
such a beautiful rose and no body know why she dances, dances, dances
to the beat in her head

ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum

Stop they implore her to cease her tragic dance
but on she goes in a constant prance
time continues and she never stops to dance the sad dance
though her petals are falling
she's slowly dying
but on and on she goes
to the beat that no one knows

ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum

what makes this rose so desperate to dance?
she must be in love..it must be romance
but who would let her dance till she falls on the ground
limp and pale and broken
the drummer he is blind
so never will he see
his faithful loving servant
who dances to his beat

Lot's to be thankful for...

I had a huge answer to prayer this week. I have needed to talk somethings out with someone for a while now, and yesterday I had the opportunity. As much as our conversation didn't change anything, it changed everything. Some how I feel so much peace in my heart. While there are still a lot of things that I need to figure out, I know that Jesus is working things our on my behalf. A verse that really touched me was is Psalms 9:4
"For thou hast maintained my right and my cause; thou satest in the throne judging right."

I just needed to be reminded that Jesus Christ is on my side. I don't know how I seem to forget that all the time, but I do. Perhaps it has something to do with the typical view of God, that suggest a highly displeasing God who is always looking for ways to disapprove with our lives. But that is simply not true. God wants to be a part of our lives. He wants to find the good things that we always try to suppress. I am infinitely the Martha! trying to please God but messing up completely in the process. The reason is because I don't truly understand what God wants. Its not my goodness, its me. my goodness is just filth to him. I don't understand it at all, I doubt I ever will, but Jesus loves me. He loves me and nothing I can do will change that. So I guess I learned something, when I finally went to God in honestly told Him that I was a mess, He came to my rescue, and gave me a blessing I wasn't expecting.

Nostalgia

Yesterday I went with my family to pick out a Christmas tree, something we have never done before. Because of all our moving and sometimes even finances, we have either had fake trees or trees that dad finds on the side of the road. lol The house is all decorated, it looks so beautiful. While we were driving home after the tree purchase, and finding all that we needed for Thanksgiving, I was reflecting on past holiday memories. Surprisingly my favorite Thanks Giving memory is of our first holiday season i Russia. I remember that I was apprehensive about it at the time, because it wouldn't be the same. That was absolutely true! We didn't have turkey, we had duck and fish. We didn't have pie, we had Russian deserts. We didn't have stuffing, we had mayo based salads. We didn't have aunt's and uncles over, we had the people from our house church over. I had such a wonderful thanksgiving that year. I wouldn't trade what we had that year for all of the things we didn't have.
I keep thinking about some people who will be spending the holidays over seas this year. I am praying that they will have some of the best holiday experiences of their lives this year. So for anyone facing a holiday season in a place that is new to them or different, my prayers go out for you! God is going to give you a special gift this year, a blessing that you will have to hold on to for many years to come!
God bless

can't sleep...

Sleep is being highly evasive of late! I can't seem to grab hold of it! But it's really all just as well, this way I have a chance to think. I think that I am rather pathetic! I mope around maybe not always on the surface, but just beneath there is definitely moping. I think the honest truth is that I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be successful and get into med school. I don't know why but suddenly I am very unsure of what I can or cannot do. I say that I can do anything through Christ, but I don't think I have the faith to back that one up. I know its true, but I don't act like it's true. I need to increase my faith.
Then I was reading my philosophy text and the writer quotes a Buddhist who claims Christians have no peace. That really bothers me because I don't have the peace that I should. I know it is God's will for my life but I don't have it the way I should. I used to think peace was boring but it isn't. The Bible describes peace as a river. Rivers are anything but boring or even calm. Peace isn't meant to be a soft creak, its a river that goes through lots of places over rocks and whatnot. But even though there is a great deal of rough, its still peace. That's why it stands out. Peace wouldn't stand out on a beautiful sunshiny day, peace shows up in the storms. When someone should be losing it, but they are staying strong, trusting entirely on Christ, that is when peace shows itself. I want that kind of peace, peace that isn't just around when I'm ok, but peace that makes me ok when I shouldn't be.
Maybe this blog makes no sense. After all its almost 4 am! But I had to write down the random stuff spinning through my head.