life time resolution

2009 has been a year I will never forget...well unless I have some kind of accident that renders me without a memory...or I get old and forget everything except my childhood pets...oh and if those things do happen I think someone needs to come to me and remind me of what happened this year...k..

One thing I've noticed, mostly lately, is that I'm increasingly cynical and almost bitter...not the usual sweet kris and I don't want that to be the case for 2010. I want my life to be centered completely on Christ.

I never make resolutions because, well I never have. But I do always look back at the past year and evaluate how I need to improve, and taking more time to be close to God is top on the list, followed by doing my laundry on a more regular basis :)

So this is my prayer and my heart's desire not only for 2010 but for the rest of my days.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
2. Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

3. Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

4. Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

5. High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

dancing rose

side to side
twists and turns
a single rose in the midst of her thorns
dancing to a beat no one else can here
perhaps its the sound of her falling tears

ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum

she flutters and moves
though she hasn't any shoes
she dances like a princess robbed of her graces
such a beautiful rose and no body know why she dances, dances, dances
to the beat in her head

ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum

Stop they implore her to cease her tragic dance
but on she goes in a constant prance
time continues and she never stops to dance the sad dance
though her petals are falling
she's slowly dying
but on and on she goes
to the beat that no one knows

ratatatat she spins in the wind
ratatatat she dances to the beat
a slave to the rhythm
a slave to his drum

what makes this rose so desperate to dance?
she must be in love..it must be romance
but who would let her dance till she falls on the ground
limp and pale and broken
the drummer he is blind
so never will he see
his faithful loving servant
who dances to his beat

Lot's to be thankful for...

I had a huge answer to prayer this week. I have needed to talk somethings out with someone for a while now, and yesterday I had the opportunity. As much as our conversation didn't change anything, it changed everything. Some how I feel so much peace in my heart. While there are still a lot of things that I need to figure out, I know that Jesus is working things our on my behalf. A verse that really touched me was is Psalms 9:4
"For thou hast maintained my right and my cause; thou satest in the throne judging right."

I just needed to be reminded that Jesus Christ is on my side. I don't know how I seem to forget that all the time, but I do. Perhaps it has something to do with the typical view of God, that suggest a highly displeasing God who is always looking for ways to disapprove with our lives. But that is simply not true. God wants to be a part of our lives. He wants to find the good things that we always try to suppress. I am infinitely the Martha! trying to please God but messing up completely in the process. The reason is because I don't truly understand what God wants. Its not my goodness, its me. my goodness is just filth to him. I don't understand it at all, I doubt I ever will, but Jesus loves me. He loves me and nothing I can do will change that. So I guess I learned something, when I finally went to God in honestly told Him that I was a mess, He came to my rescue, and gave me a blessing I wasn't expecting.

Nostalgia

Yesterday I went with my family to pick out a Christmas tree, something we have never done before. Because of all our moving and sometimes even finances, we have either had fake trees or trees that dad finds on the side of the road. lol The house is all decorated, it looks so beautiful. While we were driving home after the tree purchase, and finding all that we needed for Thanksgiving, I was reflecting on past holiday memories. Surprisingly my favorite Thanks Giving memory is of our first holiday season i Russia. I remember that I was apprehensive about it at the time, because it wouldn't be the same. That was absolutely true! We didn't have turkey, we had duck and fish. We didn't have pie, we had Russian deserts. We didn't have stuffing, we had mayo based salads. We didn't have aunt's and uncles over, we had the people from our house church over. I had such a wonderful thanksgiving that year. I wouldn't trade what we had that year for all of the things we didn't have.
I keep thinking about some people who will be spending the holidays over seas this year. I am praying that they will have some of the best holiday experiences of their lives this year. So for anyone facing a holiday season in a place that is new to them or different, my prayers go out for you! God is going to give you a special gift this year, a blessing that you will have to hold on to for many years to come!
God bless

can't sleep...

Sleep is being highly evasive of late! I can't seem to grab hold of it! But it's really all just as well, this way I have a chance to think. I think that I am rather pathetic! I mope around maybe not always on the surface, but just beneath there is definitely moping. I think the honest truth is that I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be successful and get into med school. I don't know why but suddenly I am very unsure of what I can or cannot do. I say that I can do anything through Christ, but I don't think I have the faith to back that one up. I know its true, but I don't act like it's true. I need to increase my faith.
Then I was reading my philosophy text and the writer quotes a Buddhist who claims Christians have no peace. That really bothers me because I don't have the peace that I should. I know it is God's will for my life but I don't have it the way I should. I used to think peace was boring but it isn't. The Bible describes peace as a river. Rivers are anything but boring or even calm. Peace isn't meant to be a soft creak, its a river that goes through lots of places over rocks and whatnot. But even though there is a great deal of rough, its still peace. That's why it stands out. Peace wouldn't stand out on a beautiful sunshiny day, peace shows up in the storms. When someone should be losing it, but they are staying strong, trusting entirely on Christ, that is when peace shows itself. I want that kind of peace, peace that isn't just around when I'm ok, but peace that makes me ok when I shouldn't be.
Maybe this blog makes no sense. After all its almost 4 am! But I had to write down the random stuff spinning through my head.

The rain is coming down today in a fury of splashes. The rain makes me want to crawl back under my covers and sleep until I can't sleep anymore. However, that is not likely to happen so I must find an other way to spend my day.
One thing that I dread doing today is calling my school. Every time I call they tell me something different, and it always seems I end up owing them more money. I've surrendered the situation to my Savior, which is all that I can do. I have to trust that His will, will be done regardless of how it may seem to me at the moment.
I imagine always what I am going to do, but it would be more prudent if I concentrated on what I am doing now. Fear of tomorrows battle might cause me to lose today's. Still I cannot help but wonder what the future holds for me. On a day 5 years from now with the rain pounding down, where will I be? how will I be?
I heard about a boy in church the other day that made me think about my future. He is only 5 years old and he is dying. The doctors say he won't make it to Christmas. I couldn't hold my tears. The thought occurred to me that there are lots of little boys and girls who won't make it to Christmas and none of them has a family to love them, or a church to send them Christmas cards a month early. I have always had a desire to adopt kids some day. But just recently I have started to consider the idea of adopting the children who don't have long to live. Those children should experience the love of a family, even if it's only for a short time. As terrible as losing a child is, there has to be some comfort in the fact that you were able to give that child a family.
My future isn't in my hands. God only knows. I'll wait for His perfect plan. While my heart aches for those babies now, while I burn to run to the mission field I'll wait for His timing. Today I have enough to occupy my time and energy with...

The Ergun Caner challenge...

In my philosophy class I was challenged by my prof to write down the testimony, how I came to put my faith in Jesus Christ. His challenge was not just to write my testimony, but to write it without using any church terms. That is to say write down how I came to believe in Jesus Christ and not assume that the reader knows what I am talking about. I thought that such a task was worthy of posting! And I encourage any Christian who may read this to take the challenge.

When I was a little girl about 3 years of age, my parents used to let me listen to these cassette tapes that were sort of like radio dramas. I knew them as Patch the Pirate. Patch and his crew went on all kinds of adventures and learned all sorts of things, I remember all of the stories even though it has been many years since I have heard them. On one of their many adventures, Patch has an encounter with a little orphan boy while traveling on the Mississippi river. The boy had told a lie and was caught in the lie. Patch takes him aside and explains to him that lying was a sin. A sin being anything that goes against God's law. As a breaker of God's law there is a punishment and that is death. Not physical death but a spiritual death that can best be described as eternal separation from God and eternal suffering in a place called hell. As I listened to this sentence, I recalled a particular act of disobedience that I cannot remember now, but I know that at the time it was on my mind. Perhaps it had been a lie. At any rate I began to think of the fate that was waiting for me as a person who had committed a crime against God. Then Patch explained that there was an alternative to hell, heaven. But there was only one possible way to enter heaven and that is through Jesus Christ. Patch explained that Jesus was the son of God who was incarnate on earth. Jesus lived a perfect life and never sinned, and for no reason he was killed in a terrible and violent manner on a cross. Patch said that Jesus had died to pay the punishment for my sin. Not only did Jesus die but He rose from the dead three days later. Now he had power over hell and I could put my faith in him and be saved from an eternity in hell. So right then and there, I got down on my knobby knees and asked Jesus to forgive me for breaking God's law and I put my trust in Him and only Him to pay my punishment and save me from spiritual death.
It's been 16 years since that day and I can still see it clearly in my mind. Jesus rescued me from sin on that day and I'll never be without Him every again!

For reference:

Romans 6:23, Romans 3:26, John 3:16, Rom 10:9

I honestly do not, cannot, comprehend the Love of my Savior. Of late I have been going through a great deal things that has really caused me to hide out. I tend to run away when I'm upset. While I may never physically leave, it is evident that I am closed off emotionally. I usually find some "noble" task to throw myself into for a time and then I gradually come back to normal. Lately I have been throwing myself headlong into school work and my job. The thing is, those things do nothing but create more stress in my life.
A couple of nights ago I found myself in a crumpled heap on the floor of my bedroom. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was hiding. I had to throw myself into the arms of Christ in total surrender. There is a place where it suddenly becomes apparent that you just can't handle things on your own, or that you don't want to try anymore. That is where I was. Tired of making it work or pushing through feeling like I was just doing meaningless things.
In the arms of my savior I know I am safe. No one can harm me, my fears are silly in the face of his powerful protection. I always come to this place wondering what took me so long to get there. Loving Jesus is the greatest joy there is. Jesus loved me first...to me that just means so much. Doesn't it seem at times when you reach out to someone that perhaps you are unwanted? Jesus didn't even wait for me to reach out to Him, He reached out to me and loved my through a cross. "Oh how I love Jesus, oh how I love Jesus, oh how I love Jesus! because He first loved me!"

Jesus dates

I haven't written anything in a while. Unfortunately my school work has taken over my life it would seem. I have little interesting to report.I am so blessed though to have a family that loves me, and most of all, my Savior. I am always amazed at the Love that He has for me.

I have been taking a Bible course and we have recently been going through the Old Testament. I learned a lot about the historical aspects of the Old Testament that I didn't know before. It has given me so much more from my daily Bible time. I see so much when I put what I am reading and the relationship I have with Christ in perspective with the Old Testament and the Law. Jesus radically changed everything! I suppose I take that for granted. Today I was reading Hebrews 12:18-24 How can I even imagine a life where I could not go to Jesus with everything?

I was saved at a very young age. Ever since I was just a little girl I would spend a great deal of time just talking to God. I suppose most people would think my conversations with God were silly but I never thought so. I always knew that He heard everything I said no matter how small it might seem. Now I call those times when I just spend some time, not asking not singing praises or reading but just being with Jesus, my Jesus dates. There is nothing like it. I am loved by the same God that was virtually inaccessible to the Israelites on an individual level and I get to talk to Him whenever I want and the more the better!

He is jealous for me,
loves like a hurricane I am a tree
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
And all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions
eclipsed by glory
Oh, how He loves us!

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
brought to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean,
we're all sinking
Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
my heart beat violently inside of my chest
and I don't have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about they way He loves us!

till the whole world hears

I pray that I never lose that burn, the ache in my heart to go. I know this ache isn't manufactured because it is not consistent with what I would normally want. That is to say, I have always wished to live in the same place forever and have very little adventure. I know from experience that missions is nothing like that. It’s moving to a new place all the time, its falling in love with people and places and saying goodbye. But there are sooo many people who have NEVER heard about Jesus. I mean in the States you would have to look long and hard to find anyone I don't know if I could find anyone who had NEVER heard. But there are entire people groups who have never heard. I very much want to be a part in bringing them the good news of the gospel. I only wish I could go sooner!


I am committing myself to pray for missionaries so that I will still be involved. I have been so challenged lately about how much I pray for missions. Perhaps I feel like I'm on the outs and thus I don't try as hard. I really can't say, but I know God is put it on my heart to really fall on my face and pray for those people that are out there now on the field, and for the people they are trying to reach. Everyone can do something, and everyone can do it now. I really believe that. Now you can't go to the field right away, if I could I'd be there. My dear beloved Otis Goodwin used to say it this way "not everyone is called to go, but everyone should struggle with the idea that they might be called to go." We were all given the same commission, let’s get it going people this is exciting!

why healingrose???

I thought I should address the reason that I have this weird name "healingrose".
The story starts way, way long ago. I was just little thing attending a funeral for the first time, my grandfather had passed away. The only thing I remember really about the whole day was the rose I held in my tiny hand, Momma instructed me to toss it on the coffin, which I did. That image of the rose on the glossy wood stuck with me for a very long time. In my mind I always thought of roses as a death flower. Something sad. I hated them actually for the very longest time. People always thought I was so odd to hate such a gorgeous flower. But they were just sad in my mind.
Years later, I attended a Woman's conference at a church in Alaska. One of the speakers was talking about how we miss identify ourselves in Christ because of how we have seen things on earth, tainted by sin. We expect that God's love really has a condition on it, even though we know it doesn't. We think of ourselves in the light of our failures and shortcomings. Sometimes we miss name ourselves. That is to say we all have this thing that we say yeah that's me. Mine has always been Eeyore. I'm the mopey one always finding something to be depressed about. The speaker posed to us all that God has a name for each and everyone of us, and it is likely the opposite of how you see yourself. Something that Satan has been lying to you about for so long that you just believed it. She asked us to all pray that God would reveal what His name for us was. I struggled to figure out what it could be, thinking hard, and then I just genuinely asked Jesus to show me, promising that I would not try to push it away in disbelief. That very same moment The most vivid picture came to rest in front of my minds eye. The picture I saw was a rose, a beautiful rose. I began to cry as a went back in my head to remember how I had always seen roses as sad flowers. But suddenly I was seeing them as Christ, just so beautiful. I'm a rose in the eyes of my savior, precious and beautiful. Most of the time that isn't how I feel so He takes me back and reminds me that he doesn't make junk, and He made me the way I am special just how he wants me. The problem is I've allowed things in my life, to make me less than perfect. Well that comes from sin nature too, we all come short. So I'm not just a rose, I'm a rose trampled, droopy, maybe a little torn. I have to get back to the beauty that I am supposed to have in Christ, thus I am a healing rose.

work, or service???

The Bible is an amazing book just as a book, then you add that it is God's word to mankind and to the individual heart. It speaks fresh with each time you read it. I laugh sometimes when I find myself thinking of some kind of "deep magic" like in the Chronicles of Narnia, as if that explains how it all works. Of course magic is not involved, but the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit teaches us. I absolutely love it when I have one of those moments when a verse I've read a hundred times suddenly comes to life in a new way to powerfully change my heart.
Ephesians is one of those books that teaches you how to live. I've been slowly making my way through it for I think possibly the 5th time in the last 6 months or so. I keep coming back to it for some reason. I like to read a few verses at a time and really try to meditate on those. I'll admit I'm not always good at the meditation, there are days when I just go through the motions of reading and don't even remember what I've read. Tonight, I read Ephesians 6:5-9 and was challenged unexpectedly. Sometimes we get prideful without really knowing it. I believe, I know I am a hard worker, I am respectful, I don't cheat my employers, it would seem to me that I am a good employee. That all maybe true, but when I read verse 5 I did a double take, "Servants, be obedient to them that are your master according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart as unto Christ." that "as unto Christ" really got me. I know I don't give that kind of reverence to my boss, I think she is overbearing and I get annoyed with her a lot. I have to look at her in a new light. Yes she may have her issues, but God put her in authority over me, maybe I forgot that. I need to be really serious about showing that I am really truly earnest about doing as she says. I should pray for her instead of judge her lifestyle.
Bottom line, if I want to serve Christ well in my workplace, I have to serve my boss well.

heart twinges...

There is that feeling of excitement that comes when one is about to accomplish a long time goal. That great joy, like graduation. You get ready for the day look forward to that moment when you toss that dreadful hat in the air! With all the excitement propelling you forward there is hardly a moment to think until the moment comes, and suddenly like a train a hundred doubts, fears and sadness hit you. You see your parents tear filled eyes, you look at your bestest buddies with the realization that after this moment, it all changes. Suddenly you have a paradox of emotions, on the one hand you made it! on the other, you have to leave what is familiar to you. Perhaps that is only me that had that experience I hate to be presumptuous lol
But here I am after having faced all of that once, left for college did that whole song and dance, now I'm back at that moment again. I look at my finally obtaining that foot back into the door of school and I'm so excited to get back there...but I had that moment today as I watched my mother hobble around in that terrible pain I know I can't really imagine. the real clincher was when she called me into her room to help her undress because she hurt too bad to do it herself.
My thoughts are of course, how can I leave my family when I see how much they need me? I know it is what is best and there is always going to be something...but it doesn't change the feeling that I'm leaving them when they really need me. Of course they will get by, I have younger sisters who I'm sure will step up when I'm not there. I suppose it is just the nature of growing up, following my own personal calls, it will only get harder the older I get I think. After all I'm just waiting for the chance to head to some far off land...I think I'm seeing the heartache it will be in the future to say goodbye and not be there to keep an eye on everyone.
I have to put them in the all mighty hands of God, why that would be hard I don't know. After all He can do infinitely better than I can of taking care of them !
Lord increase my faith!

waiting

This is not what I want to be saying, maybe that is enough of a reason in itself to say it. The fact of the matter is I'm not well...I pretend to be well but I'm not, not all the way. I'm coming out of a relationship that lasted almost 10 months. The whole thing ended terribly and I've been left in a heap. Unfortunately I have caused even more trouble by allowing a friendship I had to get too close to becoming another relationship. Fortunately for me My parents stepped in and did what I couldn't. They see my frail state and are protecting me. That's what they are for isn't it!
I need some time to heal, and time to draw closer to Jesus. I've learned through all of this so much and I'm thankful. It is indeed true that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord.
I'm praying I'll be able to guard my heart and that the only one I give it to again is the man that Jesus has waiting for me. No one loves me like Jesus! He is the romancer of my soul and more than all I need. I'll wait with him, and follow his plan.
Even with all that, I am rejoicing! I've run into so very many problems with my schooling this last year I've imagined giving up. But I keep pushing forward, and things are finally looking up! I'll hopefully be returning to campus in the spring, so I'll be back taking biology!!!
I have to be careful I don't think too hard on next semester though, this one is going to be challenging enough. Working full time and being a full time student is never easy but I'll pray my way through it. :)